when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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