I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You pole danced in your parka.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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