so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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