You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
