i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
