I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
