I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
