the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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