The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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