So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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