I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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