Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
