sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
