hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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