I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
