she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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