I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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