just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
