when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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