fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
