Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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