Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
