shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
