my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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