tonight lets celebrate not being married
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
