I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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