Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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