my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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