I will die if light touches me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
