the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
