No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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