Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
