I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I skipped work to stalk him.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
