His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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