This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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