Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
