I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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