Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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