oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
