so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
