it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Your cock deserves a montage
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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