did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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