my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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