I think I died a long time ago.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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