They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
