her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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