Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
