My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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