Where is the hickey?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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