So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
