Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
