24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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