All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
