god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
