My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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