And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
