so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
