I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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