I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
